September 12, 2003

Want to get really mad?
Check out the 2001 Fellowship Baptist Creation Science Fair.

Here's an excerpt:

2nd Place: "Women Were Designed For Homemaking"
Jonathan Goode (grade 7) applied findings from many fields of science to support his conclusion that God designed women for homemaking: physics shows that women have a lower center of gravity than men, making them more suited to carrying groceries and laundry baskets; biology shows that women were designed to carry un-born babies in their wombs and to feed born babies milk, making them the natural choice for child rearing; social sciences show that the wages for women workers are lower than for normal workers, meaning that they are unable to work as well and thus earn equal pay; and exegetics shows that God created Eve as a companion for Adam, not as a co-worker.

Posted on September 12, 2003 09:52 AM

Dude ... "Thermodynamics Of Hell Fire" by Tom Williamson (grade 12) only got an honorable mention?!? what is this world coming to?

i also can't believe they allowed students, nay, young ADULTS, to pack defenseless gerbils and hamsters into a cage to prove the ark could've worked ... they used "available Creation Science research" and based the number of gerbils in the cage on "the median animal size and their volumetric distribution in the Ark" ..... they sprayed the poor things with a hose and made them stay there for 30 days. they describe occupants of this little cage of horror as a "Rodentia-mass".

holy buhjeezus.

Posted by: Pandas Unite on September 12, 2003 11:32 AM

Don't get mad - this isn't a serious website. "My Uncle Is a Man Named Steve (Not a Monkey)" - it's just a joke. So, don't worry, the gerbils and hamsters weren't harmed, because they're imaginary.

Posted by: sean on September 12, 2003 12:01 PM

would anyone like some baby dwarf hamsters? they are not imaginary and are looking for a good home.

Posted by: michele on September 12, 2003 12:18 PM

Holy Fires of Hell, this is the coolest shit I have scene in a long time! Jacob, what would I do without you bringing these websites to my attention (probably working on my paper, but that's another story). I'm tempted to agree with Sean on the whole thing being a hoax, but I dunno - those christians pull some crazy shit sometimes. Regardless, I am pleased, so so pleased. Keep the hilarity coming, my friend.

Posted by: Jolie on September 12, 2003 12:57 PM

i disbelieve that hamsters went unharmed ... the fact that it was written down is enough to make all hamsterkind shudder with fear. i mean, someone actually *thought* about doing that! hey, i'm a sick fuck in my own way, but those poor poor hamsters.

from the brief 'i'm pretending to be working' websearch i just did, i can't find anyone who has confirmed the site as bogus or real. regardless, it is bizarre and mind-devouring! and if it is in fact fake (i tend to believe that it is, due to the bio page), someone has spent wayyyyy too much time on it. way.

and then this guy over here ( wastes even more time analyzing it for people like me! ai, the internet. land of the free, home of the sloth.


Posted by: Pandas Unite on September 12, 2003 01:37 PM

I too have spent the last hour or so exploring the treasures of this amazing website. I have come to my own personal conclusion that it is, indeed real... based on the fact that it is extremely extensive.. and hoaxes don't typically go to so much trouble. Also, the ads go to actual Christian businesses (which admittidly, I shouldn't have clicked on because I just gave those assholes money.. but my curiousity got the better of me). For those of you who haven't explored as much as Pandas Unite and I, I HIGHLY RECCOMEND the 4kids page. Holy Hannah! It's got some doozies.

Posted by: Jolie on September 12, 2003 02:21 PM

did you see the biblical action figures for sale at the bottom of the page?
there's jesus...also available in black.

Posted by: jade on September 12, 2003 03:21 PM

If you really think the site is real, I have a fairly lucrative offer for an e-mail beta testing program that offers some large rewards from a Mr. Bill Gates that you might be interested in.

Posted by: sean on September 12, 2003 04:20 PM one wants any cute little hamsters? they're small and snuggly.

Posted by: michele on September 12, 2003 04:30 PM

hey michele and sean made the same comment!

you're like comment twins.

Posted by: didofoot on September 12, 2003 04:46 PM


"Lambuel Coloring Tracts will teach children reading skills and Bible skills, all while imparting the valuable moral lesson that we should not color outside of God's lines."

brilliant. fucking brilliant!

Posted by: dianna on September 12, 2003 06:21 PM

OK, I admit it. After a more careful reading, this page is a brilliant work of satire. I was suckered in quite cleverly. My hat goes off to them!

Posted by: Jacob on September 13, 2003 11:48 AM

you have a hat?

Posted by: dianna on September 13, 2003 02:32 PM

he *had* a hat.

Posted by: didofoot on September 29, 2003 01:18 PM